March 4, 2009

how is it with your soul?

I've been living in a state of uncertainty for awhile now, and I'm not exactly sure how I arrived at this point.

I used to feel really certain about my future and my career path, but as days go by, I'm less sure that what I planned out is really the right direction for me.

In my interactions with people, I want a definitive response and am often left in limbo when I don't get one. I've been planning a lot of community/house events lately (and seem to be acquiring more as time goes on) and it's frustrating when people don't clearly respond. I want answers and I want answers now, but more often than not, I'm put in uncertainty.

So I wait.

One thing I'm relearning right now is that it's ok to be uncertain. Being sure about everything isn't the best thing ever. Taking time out for waiting is good.

Besides accepting uncertainty for what it is, I've begun to appreciate silence.

I wrote this at the beginning of last semester, and it still rings pretty true. I'm still not quite sure of what I want to do anymore, but I'm getting ideas. I'm hearing voices and calls. I'm seeing job postings and imagining how I could fit there, trying to dip my hands in the clay and get to work. I'm imaging a future built around me and built around the idea of making the world a better place. At times I feel a little selfish by putting myself first so often, but at the same time, I'm not quite sure if that's what is happening... I feel I'm doing what I want to do, regardless of outside forces, but what I want to do is help people, in whatever manner possible.

I don't know. I just think that to do the most good work in the world, I need to take care of myself and not ignore what's best for me. That's what I hear in the silences, the moments between inhaling and exhaling.

How is it with your soul today?

1 comment:

Patti said...

Nice post Linz. A couple years ago I had a conversation with Grace about direction for my life. I had been praying for an answer of what I was supposed to be doing... and hearing absolutely nothing. Nothing, for a really long time. Not a strong feeling for do this OR do that. Grace said, perhaps my answer was that I was just supposed to be patient and wait. It was good advice.... it's always in God's time, not mine. I also haven't ask myself the soul question for a long time...think I will real soon. xoxo