purging

Ugh. Today is one of those muggy sort of days. Not super hot, but just humid. I'm thinking of busting out my floor fan, if only so sleeping is actually possible.

Yesterday I helped Andrew's family move his uncle out of the house their family has lived in for 50 years. It's a pretty big house and his grandpa hoarded, meaning that there was a random assortment of plain old stuff - a puppet theater, a 30 year old air conditioner, an unopened box of drop ceiling tiles, 3 or 4 different garbage cans full of stuff, etc etc etc. Certainly makes me want to purge my belongings of things I don't use anymore so I don't have to move them to my new apartment next week.

It's also interesting to see how other families interact. Certainly events like holidays and birthdays, but also how decisions are made and the feel of things. Not necessarily good, bad or better, just different. Although it's made me realize that my family (brother and father in particular) move belongings at breakneck speed, like Genghis Khan's small, fast, effective armies. See: Genghis Khan and the Making of the Modern World by Jack Weatherford. God, I first read that book 7 years ago but it stuck with me.

Anyway. I'm going to go start my own purge which already includes nearly 2 garbage bags of clothes, 70 books and 15 movies. I tried to be realistic about books I'll read again and books I won't. I probably wasn't as realistic as I could be, but it's a good start. Especially staring down a potential future that doesn't include further research in religion (at least for the next 10 years). Also, will be keeping the book on Genghis Khan. I've read it since that first time 7 years ago so it's a keeper. Keep on the lookout for purged 4 year old homework and college yearbooks.

YDS graduation today - my favorite part of leaving the 'Have. Thinking of you.

2009 in photos

In years past, I've done my pictures by month. Some months have been picture-light and some picture-heavy, so these are just a random sampling. They are arranged (mostly, to my best knowledge) chronologically.


24th birthday

Ran my first 5k.

Ate a big 3lb chocolate bar with friends. And pretended to be Jesus.


Nat got married!


Lived with goofballs.

Got my master's.

Ran my first 10k in my hometown. I showed you, high school gym teachers.

Slow-danced with Jake.

Went to Irish Fest (again).

Baked a lot. Actually, the fall pictures are pretty light and mostly of food.

Went to New Haven for Halloween and dressed up like Lisa.

Had Christmas.

I'd have included pictures of my students, but that's against so many policies I don't even want to test it. They are super fun and make it easy it get up in the morning, however.

2009, good riddance. 2010, bring it on.

my cloud of thoughts

From time to time, I space out and look at the Facebook page of people from high school. Mostly people I know peripherally but those who have gotten married, had babies and/or bought houses.

I'm still really wary and a little judgmental of them, especially of their mass photo postings (but that's another issue with oversharing all together). I don't know; it's just such a foreign idea to me. But then at the same time, there are people much closer to me making the same decisions and yet I'm ok with that. Maybe it's because I know them well enough to approve of their choices. Or to know that even if it's not something I want now, it's something good for them.

I suppose it's no surprise that I fall into another Facebook baby photo-ing the day I make my first student loan payment. I had to dig through the pile of crap in my corner and move my Yale diploma to reach my shoebox of loan statements.

Seriously, my Yale diploma is literally sitting in the corner gathering dust.

In other worlds, I'm organizing a 5k run for the spring. I suppose I wouldn't be able to do that without my YDS experiences, so maybe that diploma isn't just gathering dust. Tomorrow I'm scheduling my interview with a well-known teaching program, a program I wouldn't be interested in and probably not a good candidate for without YDS and its influence.

I guess my point is that I would not have guessed this is where I'd be five years ago.

I still feel like I'm in a point of transition, but a very slooooooow transition, one fraught with stresses of making ends meet and making sure my kids are prepared for kindergarten. It's a carefully constructed transition. It's precise. It's stagnant yet always moving. Slow enough that I'm beginning to feel comfortable in the changing, yet antsy for rapid change. At the same time, it's already November and I don't know if my kids know anything more than they did at the beginning of the year.

Does any of this make sense?

Here's what I'm trying to say: From the briefest glimpse at lives long lost and removed from my own, it looks like people have their "stuff" together, whatever that "stuff" may be. And I still feel adrift at sea, trying to find my bearings while feeling the need to justify an experience that fundamentally changed me yet has produced little outside materialization of that.

I know pictures lie and life is endlessly complicated for everyone. And yet, it just looks so simple and wrapped up neatly with a bow in ways that my messy and in-need-of-explanation life cannot. And those closest to me making those same decisions also have explanation-worthy lives because I've heard and lived through the explanations. So it's ok.

Does any of this make sense?

the happy couple

In the morning when I choose to get dressed, sometimes I consider dressing nicer so I can go straight from one job to the other. The unfortunate side effect is that sometimes I go to work at the restaurant with bits of child drool and marker on my clothes. Otherwise it's worked out ok.

I've been fast-tracked for an in-person interview with Teach For America. More to come closer to December, but it's exciting news.


The happy couple and the happy couple.

things i like:

Things I like:

-the Greenway around 4:45 or 5:00. I bike home facing west, the setting sun in my face while people whiz past in either direction.

-sweet corn from the farmer's market. Recipes in local magazines on organic food.

-reading books about apple orchards, knowing we're going to take the kids to one in a few weeks. Trying to reinforce the vocab of apples, apple orchard, applesauce, picking an apple so they can use it when we go.

-frequent flier miles. I'm going to New Haven in October with mine.

-homemade sun dried tomatoes. Took 7+ hours in the oven, but they're delicious.

-60 cent gelato.

more than orange juice

My mind is elsewhere these days, specifically in Connecticut. It's orientation time and I've been pretending to avoid mentions of it on Facebook because I wish I was there. I abstain from looking at pictures and seeing schedules, then horde it all at once like binging. My good friend Rachel has taken up Josh's room (the one with the direct sunlight - damn them both) and my dresser and joins the rest of my dear friends in continuing on with their lives and education without me. Not my choice or theirs, but what has happened regardless.

I don't feel like a "grass is greener" person, because I'm always really grateful for what I have and what I'm doing at that moment, but part of me always longs for the places I am not with no regard to my present location. It's happened before. It'll happen again.

When I first moved out to YDS, I had this mindset that I already had a set of great friends in Minnesota and thus, I didn't need anymore. I never expected to find the people and connections I did, which makes them all the more treasured. I wrote this during my orientation two years ago this week:

Orientation starts tomorrow, and it should be fun. When I say "fun," I mean long and possibly boring. Amy won't be there, so I have no one to make snarky and sarcastic comments to. I want to have friends so I have people to hang out with here, but it's a pain in the ass getting to know people and do the whole "I'm Lindsay, MAR in Feminist Studies, originally from Wisconsin but I went to school in Minnesota, I want to get my PhD and teach about culture, religion and feminism" 50 times in a row. It's just tiring, especially when I know that I have great friends and a great boyfriend at home. I kind of felt the same way about camp. That WAS different, because I had Andrew, Amy, Drew, KG, Anna, ect to hang out with after work - I didn't need to become best friends with everyone there because I already had best friends. Here, it's not like I can head over to chillax with Amy and Drew... it would be lonely hanging out by myself. I'm sure everyone I meet will be nice - the ones I have so far are - but it's a lot of effort.

Well, well, well, how the turn tables. Little did I know that I would live on snarky and sarcastic comments for two years.

My point is that we have expectations and often, reality is entirely different. Not that our expectations aren't met, but that we expect an orange and we end up with a palm tree. Oranges are delicious, but palm trees give shade and coconuts and wood and palm leaves. So much more than just orange juice.

I'm remembering my expectations when I went into YDS, not looking to find lifelong friends but instead people to occupy weekend nights. I'm remembering because it's my first week at my job (formally) and I'm meeting people left and right, people I'm trying not to prejudge and put into a "work" box. Let's leave open the possibility that while it's always been pretty good, my life can benefit from a few more friendly faces, if not good friends.

Life is short, I am young and a field of flowers can always find room for one more.

unanswerable demonstrations of (dis)belief

Last year I took a class in Christianity and Culture. It looked like a promising class; we read Christ and Culture (Niebuhr) and Theologies of Culture (Tillich) in conversation with cultural artifacts like art, music and literature. Students gave presentations on the cultural artifact, fun at first but it slowly began to eat up the entire time we had for the class without really getting to the readings.

It seemed like our class couldn't get over conversations of whether a particular cultural artifact was "christian" or not. In the first few weeks we had conversations about there are multiple ways of determining if a song or piece of art is "christian" - could be based on the content, the artist's particular view, the audience, etc. Analysis is subjective, ever changing based on a wide variety of factors. What looks christian today could change by tomorrow.

I thought of this in reading this post from Theolog on Rowen Williams' book about Dostoevsky. It says:

"Part of Dostoevsky’s significance as a religious writer, Williams argues, is to show people wrestling with the implications of their belief—or unbelief. People do not live inside a system of thought. Dostoevsky knew how our beliefs are always being contradicted, or stripped away or developed through our actions, relationships and suffering. In Dostoevsky, there are no “unanswerable demonstrations” of religious faith. But also no unanswerable demonstrations of unbelief. The lesson, for Williams, is that “we have to go on speaking/writing about God, allowing the language of faith to encounter fresh trials every day, and also fresh distortions and refusals.”

All cultures are shaped by religion (or lack thereof) and engaging culture within the scope of religion doesn't end at tacking a "christian" or "non-christian" label on something. I think it has more to do with seeing footprints of a faith on art/music/literature or how those cultural artifacts influence everyday experiences of divine, even if that includes rejection of the divine.

Religion, at its core, is about humans making meaning of their existence. In my opinion, any song or story that asks the fundamental questions of what it means to be human in our world deals with religious subject matter. That doesn't mean it's religious, however. In fact, if we did away with labels of "religious" or "christian" art and artists altogether, we'd be more open to seeing expressions of belief or disbelief.

do you collect butterflys?

I was out for my friend's birthday the other night and saw some old friends, met some new ones. I kept wanting to ask them what they did, where they worked, how they knew my friend. In a sense, I wanted to figure out who they were by what they did.

This isn't just me and by no means uncommon. It happens all the time. At YDS, you meet someone and go through all the details that supposedly define you - degree program, denomination, ordination track, where you're from, etc.

This is a culture that defines people by what they do first, and then who they are second. We put people in boxes by the hard facts and then move from there. At YDS, once we learn the various degree details about someone, we know how to interact with them. Ah, a Lutheran M.Div. A Ethics MAR. Ordination track. Non-ordination track. While these details are helpful, it's not the end-all-be-all.

It reminds me of this quote from The Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry:

“Grown-ups like numbers. When you tell them about a new friend, they never ask questions about what really matters. They never ask: "What does his voice sound like?" "What games does he like best?" "Does he collect butterflies?". They ask: "How old is he?" "How many brothers does he have?" "How much does he weigh?" "How much money does his father make?" Only then do they think they know him.”

I've been feeling a bit like a ship without its bearings, wandering lost at sea, no port to aim towards. I'm guessing it comes from this period of transition and having less of these "hard" facts about myself. It's a little unnerving, but somewhat freeing at the same time. I don't think I could sustain this freewheeling for a long period of time though. Hopefully I won't have to.

i lack a fresh breeze

I am, at heart, an entertainer. Not in the top hat and cane sense, but in that I like organizing events and seeing people have a good time. I loved doing it for YDS, even on my most frustrating days.

I'm guessing that's why not having a backyard or porch is killing me. Or a big dinner table. As much as going out for dinner is fun, I like the idea of cooking for friends much better. I wish I had time, ingredients, the imagination and skills do amazing things with food. And the space to accommodate that magic.

Yesterday, I headed to St. Paul for an old friend's birthday, and marveled at her awesome porch. Made me miss the CHouse porch.


This is the view from my back steps right now:


Not quite the same. Next place I live is going to have some mad backyard awesomeness. Here are some more apartment pictures, since I realized I never posted them:




Also threw my bike in there for good measure. I love it. It takes me places. It also has a "I <3 unicorns" sticker on it. I'm thinking it'll take me to Pride this afternoon, while it's not too ridiculously hot out.

embrace change

Everytime I start missing New Haven, YDS, and Marquand, I have to remind myself of the fortune cookie I received my first week back in Minneapolis:

Embrace change; don't battle it.

There's something about embracing change that honors what once was while still anticipating what will be.

A few days later, I got this one:

Is this where you saw yourself five years ago?

Honestly, I didn't see myself anywhere five years ago. I was too busy thinking about the present to think about the future. I still have to remind myself to imagine five years from now. That'll be easier once I have some sort of permanent work, but the options are wide open now while I'm still looking.

Anyway. Time to battle the heat, test my repaired tire and try for a bike ride.

things you think to yourself after immersion in div school

The following thoughts occurred to me in situations completely unrelated to religion, Christianity, YDS or my life in Connecticut:

• Upon hearing that a friend's eyes were hurting, I thought, "Ah, let's get some spit, some mud and we'll fix you up in no time."
• I have a Chia person that recently started growing hair, but only around the outside rim of her head. My reaction? "It's a crown... a crown of thorny grass!"

More to follow.

blaaah!

I went to the farmer's market this morning and came home with an apple pie. Not only did I buy a pie, but Olivia and Amir both bought pies. So we now have three homemade pies in our house. Potentially dangerous and definitely delicious.

Apart from the pies, my day today has slowed considerably in relation to the past 10 or so. I'm not completely done with work, but yesterday was crazy busy and stressful. I'm a relatively laid-back person (ok, completely laid back), but I just about hit the ceiling yesterday. I can only think of one other time before this when I was as stressed as I was yesterday, and then it manifested itself when I burst into tears because I couldn't pass a truck on a 2 lane highway. My body feels physically exhausted from yesterday - the arches of my feet hurt, my legs are sore, I'm out of energy. It's completely out of character for me to be that stressed, and it's interesting my body responded by forcing me to take a break. I was going to anyway, but I'm definitely moving a little slower today. I also haven't gone for a run in a week or so, and I'm betting that hasn't helped my stress level either. Signs of stress around the house include frequent yells/screams, often in the style of the "kittens inspired by kittens" girl, and jumping up and down on our couches and chairs, sometimes everyone at the same time. Yeah, we're cool.

So what did I do yesterday/this week that stressed me so much? Well, I handed in three papers, for starters. One for GLBTQ Pastoral Care, one for Death in Music, Art and Liturgy and one for Film and Liturgy. I wrote my gaycare paper last week, so that was taken care of by Saturday. That one was on GLBTQ youth in rural/small town areas and building community. I wrote my Death paper at the beginning of the week, finishing Tuesday after going to Spring Fling and seeing the Decemberists play. I wrote that one about Imitation of Life (1959) and its depiction of a black ars moriendi (art of dying). Then I wrote my Film and Liturgy paper on The Secret Life of Bees (2008) and how it establishes the domestic as a sacred sphere, in particular, for black women. That one I wrote Thursday and finished on Friday, trying to get it done before the Community Dinner that night. In addition to finishing three papers, I also had a Community Dinner, Div School Idol and an after-party at our house. Friday morning I had to shop for the dinner, then later in the afternoon, pick up the grills and start the cooking, plus arrange the whole thing. Thankfully, I had many helpers and many hands for the task, so I was a little less crazy. I kept getting impatient with the charcoal, wanting it to light faster and be ready faster, but my friend helping me just reminded me that I had to wait for it to light up, it wasn't going to help if I kept spraying it with lighter fluid. Doesn't mean I didn't spray it around at first, cursing the flames.

So today I'm taking a break. I read a book that I picked up last week, The Unlikely Disciple. The author came to YDS and gave a talk/signed books, and it was really interesting. The author did a semester at Liberty University (Jerry Falwell's college) and wrote about his time there, presenting the students in very nuanced and interesting ways. For someone who studies religion and thinks that Christians are often viewed unfairly in simplistic or negative ways, I liked that he didn't take the easy way out and call everyone crazy or sheep-like. I'm now at 13 books for the year, which is technically behind schedule. I imagine the pace picking up once I'm done with schoolwork. Also, out of the last four books I finished (since mid April), 3 of them were for school and the last one is about a Christian college. I do this to myself, really.

Other than that, I might watch a movie? On my self-appointed days off, I almost don't know what to do with myself. This happened at the beginning of spring break, too. I feel like I should be doing work and I don't know how to not do work. I have one paper left to do, and I'm writing it on Jesus movies. It's 8-10 pages and I'm guessing I'll have it done quickly. I've written about Jesus movies so much that it's almost like second nature. It's on an aspect I haven't written about before, so it's still fair game academically. I remember when I was writing my honors project and one day I sat down and just wrote and wrote and wrote. I think I wrote the 40 page section on The Passion of the Christ in 2 1/2 weeks or something... One night I wrote 10 pages on the history of the Christ film like it was nothing. A little scary, but I like to think it means I'm knowledgable.

Kari moved into our apartment this weekend and Mom's in town helping, so I've been getting pictures. I wish I was there and not here driving myself insane. Soon, soon, soon.

Well, I'm going to go eat some pie and watch a movie. What a crazy idea, huh?

an earthy, sticky smell

It's currently 81 degrees and I'm sitting on my porch, enjoying the slightly cooler air as the sun sets behind the houses across the street. Weather-wise, this has been a really great weekend. Personally, this has been a really great weekend.

I've been going through "lasts" - last class period, last Spring Fling, last Friday Eucharist chapel service, soon to be last papers, last coffee hour, last YDS. It hasn't sunk in that these are my lasts, there's still some surrealistic notions in my mind, almost like I don't believe it. I know it, but I don't understand it. One month from today is graduation and I'm out of here shortly after. The unknown looms, but still theoretically. There could be endless summer evenings on this porch for all I know.

I'm really going to miss this place - the people, the love, the humor, the academic and personal challenges. I almost want to compare my time here to a mountaintop experience where things are awesome but you can't stay there; you have to descend for the green, flourishing valleys. But that's not the case - I feel really sustained here. Life isn't barren but beautiful like on a mountaintop, but really rich and amazing. I'm not quite sure what to make of it yet, but I know this - I leave changed. Parting is bittersweet, indeed.

At the same time, I'm itching to get back to Minneapolis. I miss Amy and Drew and Kari; seeing MOK kids for Nat's wedding was really great. Reminded me why I love them so much and shaded these past few weeks with a longing for their company. Besides the friendships, I'm ready to start working. I'm ready to jump in and get my hands dirty. In chapel Friday, Emilie Townes asked us if we could smell the wetness of clay, waiting to be molded and shaped. Without a doubt, yes.

There's an intrinsic sweetness to a cool breeze. It carries an earthy, sticky smell.

End of Semester Numbers Game

Life's busy.

12 days, 8 hours, 40 minutes until I'm done with work for YDS.

4 papers to write, 3 events to plan, 2 books to read, 1 degree to complete.

1353 miles to drive at the end of May to get back to MPLS.

Many jobs to apply for.

I had a great weekend enjoying the nice weather and good company. It's about time to crack down and get my numbers list down to zero.

full speed ahead

As I've been telling Olivia lately, my mind is mushy. I feel like it's going to be mushy for another few weeks, still. I feel like there's a push regarding getting stuff done - I've got a presentation in class tomorrow, I had a paper Tuesday, I have another presentation/paper Monday and another the Tuesday after that. Then starts the round of final papers.

Looking at a calendar, I'll have all my grad school work done by May 2.

Then I can breathe again.

Kari and I are looking at apartments and it's a little nerve wracking, partially because I'm not there and partially because I don't have a job yet and partially because it's the first step in a post-education world. We're looking around Uptown and Loring Park. At least in that department, there's lots of options and lots of leads to follow. Well, Kari's doing most of the calling and touring.

I've got a list of jobs to apply for, mostly it's just the cover letters that need to be written. I also have a corresponding list of jobs where I've sent resumes/interviewed; that list fluctuates as I add jobs and I take away jobs when I get the (seemingly inevitable) "we've recieved a record number of applications and have decided not to interview you" email. Although I'm anxious to get out of school, part of me wishes I was waiting a year, when hopefully things won't be so bad. Perserverence, I suppose.

I'm flying out for Nat's wedding on Wednesday, and there's a long list of things I'd like to accomplish before I head out there. I suppose it's not stuff that I'd like to accomplish, but that I have to finish. While I'm there, I'd prefer it if I didn't have to do any work at all and can just focus on enjoying my friends and what's going to be a wonderful weekend.

I should go to sleep. It's getting harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning. Plus I have to be at school early tomorrow to prep for my presentation. At least it's something I love talking about - violence and The Passion of the Christ. I was specifically asked to be on a panel for one of my classes because of my research in undergrad. It's an honor, really.

Only four weeks until I can breathe.

friday fellowship

Had a really great Friday Fellowship today. Nice weather, good beer, good people, fun frisbee. Hope the weather stays nice on Fridays so we can do this outside all the time.

Golden.

My classes this semester are all awesome, but a few are slightly morbid... in good ways.

Film and Liturgy (not quite so morbid... but this week we're watching the baptismal scene from The Godfather where they kill everybody)
GLBTQ pastoral care (not very morbid, but a little sad and enlightening for me)
Death in Music, Art and Liturgy (pretty morbid but good. I kind of like showing up in public places reading books titled "The Theology of Death")
The Passion of Christ in Art and Literature (we're basically spending the semester talking about an act of torture and how it's depicted over 2000 years)

Jake's pencil is very loud as he underlines in his book.

I'm going to run a 5k in early March with my friend Rachel. She's actually running one next weekend, but I'm not sure if I could do that now, especially since my legs are still adapting to the increased impact of, you know, running all the time. I should be golden by March, though. I looked at the course online and it's literally running from downtown up to the Div school and back. Literally. Did I mention it's going to be golden?

Battle Wounds

I received a grad school related injury today as I tried to wrangle a staple out of the 40+ page stapler. It dug into my finger and left it bleeding, aching as I tried to quickly staple the rest of my paper packets while not bleeding on myself or my fresh copies.

Then I wandered around school in search of a band-aid, to no avail. You can usually find me by following the trail of coffee drips around the building but this afternoon, you could follow my blood trail.

Earlier this week I got a cardboard cut while opening a box for coffee hour. Since I received my injury while on the job, I considered trying to get worker's comp, but instead I just found a band-aid so I wouldn't bleed all over the coffee hour food.

Apparently I've been bleeding a lot. Life is hard as a grad student. But apparently we're the worst people:

Make me beans, my women!

I can't seem to make myself sit down and do work. Uuugh. I have things to read and things to write, but all I do is check my email and Google reader. Normally I head home early on Tuesday afternoons (so I can procrastinate there) but I have a curriculum meeting today at 4. Then house dinner! At least if I'm procrastinating, I should be doing something still useful like updating my resume or working on my spider solitaire win percentage (28%).

My prof for my history class gave everyone a paper extension until Monday after break, so the pressing thing I had to do this week is no longer pressing. I spent a couple hours yesterday building a model for my church architecture class, so that's coming along nicely. My other things aren't due until after Thanksgiving break or even into reading week, so I'm feeling relatively stress free this week. I'll have to bring home work, but I should be able to get it all done.

I'm flying home Friday afternoon so that's also on my mind... I'm not sure if I'll get to doing laundry before then so I might just bring home a suitcase of dirty clothes. I hope I can do at least one load before then, since I'm really hitting the bottom of the barrel in terms of clean clothes. I might have to fly home in a paper sack. I blame this whole thing on Elm Campus forcing us to get rid of our washer and dryer.

I'm in the basement of the library now (in a failed attempt to get stuff done) and I just saw Josh. When he saw me, the first words out his mouth were, "What are YOU doing here?" Jerk.

I'll leave you with this exchange between Jake, Nichole and I yesterday as we all cuddled:

Jake: Cuddle me, my women! Make me some beans!
Me: Beans?
Jake: Isn't that what straight guys like?
Nichole: I thought you said beans because it was a Mexican thing.
Jake: Hmm... I would have said taco if I wanted it to be a Mexican thing!

I love my housemates.

awesome! not awesome.

I have an interview tomorrow for the Yale seminar program I applied for - awesome!

My mom is coming soon - awesome!

I bought new red rainboots and a star umbrella - awesome!

Friday is the second community dinner and then my house is having a party - awesome!

110 days until Bush is out of office - awesomer by the day!

35 days until the election - awesome!

I have a bunch of bubble wrap from coffee boxes - awesome!

I have lots of reading to do - not so awesome...

Papers are due soon - not so awesome...

I either have a cold or allergies - not so awesome...

The end.