December 5, 2007

Living Awkwardly, issue 2

Poor Eyesight
If you have poor eyesight, as I increasingly do, you realize that sometimes you just look ridiculous. For example, when approaching someone that you think you might recognize, you have to get close enough to them to see the specificities of their face. In the process of approaching them, you have to look them in the face to try and distinguish features. From the outside, it looks like you are blatantly staring a stranger in the face. This is 100% true, because you are blatantly staring someone in the face. They may think you know them somehow, or that you want to say hi. Once you realize you have no idea who this person is, my suggested strategy is to avoid eye contact, but if you do make eye contact, smile a little bit (no teeth). Do not say anything unless they say something first. Then hurry away as fast as possible.

Obscene Library Books
Due to my wide variety of interests (often obscure and completely random, sometimes offensive), I read a lot of books with strange titles. Recent titles of books I've read include Pornified, Sex with Kings, Cunt, Sex Drugs and Cocoa Puffs, Female Chauvinist Pig, The Undertaking, The American Way of Death, Stiff: The Curious Lives of Cadavers, and Virginity or Death (all recommended, by the way). In researching my honors project, I checked out a lot of books that included any mix of the words "Mel Gibson," "Passion," "Christ," "Violence," "Martyrdom," "Masculinity," "Blood Sacrifice," ect. I've learned that at some point, either in a checkout line or at the circulation desk, another individual is going to be look at the books you check out and judge you from their titles. The easiest way to avoid this problem is to buy your books online. You will never get the "WTF?" look from home delivery. The person packaging your order may make the look, but if you can't see it, it doesn't exist. If you're not made of money, you'll have to endure the silent judgment at some point. If you know someone who works at the library, try to go when they're working so they know of your odd quirks. Otherwise, keep your eyes down and make the whole ordeal as fast as possible. Minimize whatever conversation is necessary. Sandwich the questionable book between two safe buys, like travel guides to non-exotic locals like Cleveland and computer manuals. Plus, if you're really uncomfortable about whatever it is you're buying, just pass it off as a gift. This tactic doesn't really work at the library, though.

Or, you could always woman up and take pride in what you read.

Frequent Mailbox Checking

If you feel the need to obsessively check your mail box, do so when no one is around. If someone is around, make sure to not check your mail box the next time they're there. If they only see you do it once, then it may just be the only time you've checked your mailbox today. The key is audience.

Be awkward like fauckward!*

*There is no perfect rhyme for awkward, but I think it fits nicely this way.

No comments: