a little bit of everything

So... I haven't written anything for awhile. Not because my life has been particularly exciting, because it hasn't. Well, maybe a little bit.



Scones with raisins and nuts.


Chocolate cheesecake for Andrew's birthday! It got a little cracked in the middle - I think if I had taken it out of the oven 3 minutes earlier it wouldn't have cracked... next time.

Chicken Parmesan (with window ledge basil) for Andrew's birthday dinner, recipe from Food Matters by Mark Bittman. We substituted eggplant for mushrooms.


My bruise from giving blood. Pictures are of Day 2 and Day 10. I had the bruise for two weeks, just disappearing before heading east for the JCLorst wedding.

We're not very coordinated. Also, Jake is a fight instigator while Rachel just wants to love.

And then Andrew's high school friends Ross and Linnea got married last weekend, which meant Andrew stood up in the wedding and got to dress classy-like. I enjoyed it.

They really liked those suspenders. I may or may not have encouraged some suspender-action. Your call. Also, I think that's a fantastic picture of Ross (red tie).

Window ledge basil and cilantro! It's doing pretty well in its present condition. I switch between worrying about over-watering and under-watering. They get plenty of sunlight and it's been so hot lately that I've been watering them daily to make sure they don't die. If they die, I can't eat them.

This little cilantro plant didn't turn out too well... I think too much sunlight/heat. Oh well, I can put something else in that pot.


The street broke open and gushed water last week. They're still fixing it (often loudly at 7 AM). There was literally a crack in the street and a bubble of water coming out of it. I don't know how it happened, but it flowed for 24 hours before the city had someone down there. You can see in the picture where the crack is - at a downward angle away from orange vested-dude where the water is shiny.

My DJ set from DDPP last week:

Kari - expect a CD with your package. It's sitting on my counter and I just have to write a letter, burn some CDs, find a present and then mail it. Also, I really wanted to buy a Toy Story 3 padded envelope to send to you, but I thought it might look too fun and someone would steal it.

I am on book 53 for the year, which makes me within sight of my 6o books goal. My last ten books have been Codex, Lev Grossman (Not as good as The Magicians - skip Codex); Animal, Vegetable, Miracle, Barbara Kingsolver (seasonal recipes!); Buying In, Rob Walker; God in the White House, Randall "what I like to call ..." Balmer; Pearl of China, Anchee Min (very good! couldn't get into her Madame Mao book though); Picking Bones From Ash, Marie Mutsuki Mockett (recommend it); Sherlock Holmes and the Red Demon, Larry Millett (Holmes in Minnesota - yes!); The Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin (enjoyed it); Black is the New White, Paul Mooney (really funny. I want to see more of his stand-up now); Where Men Win Glory, Jon Krakauer (about Pat Tillman's life, death and ensuing military cover up).

Ok. I have to go buy some QTips. I ran out on Saturday and it's hard for me to do without them. They're one of the things I'd bring to a deserted island. Yesterday it was difficult for me to shower and then not QTip my ears. I can't go on like this much longer.

Bacher out.

round and around and up and down

Today I cleaned the apartment and had to take the trash out. I don't know if you remember my back steps, but this is what they look like.


Imagine that covered in 6 inches of snow, all of which needed to be brushed off in order to even attempt going down the ice-covered steps. When I say ice covered, I mean an inch of rounded ice on every step, bubbling up to fit into the arches of my feet. At the bottom is a van parked a foot away from the last step, meaning that when one walks down the steps with a trash bag, one has to either fall off the steps to the right in the direction of the snow pile or one has to use the van to steady themselves to avoid falling into the snow pile. It is not the easiest thing in the world, taking out the trash in the winter. I suppose I could do what my neighbors do - pile it up outside on the porch next to the back door.

Today I am making broccoli cheese soup from this recipe. I'll let you know how it goes. I've been briefly thinking about seeing if we want to do a MRC cookbook for a social events project.

I wish I knew grammar better.

Sometimes we forget about the painful things in our lives until they ambush us suddenly, unexpectedly. It's like they sense we're doing ok and come back to haunt us.

The most played song on my iTunes is Chubby Checker's "Let's Twist Again" from the Mad Men soundtrack.

Andrew made fun of me because I finally put a picture of us in a frame on my desk. Whatever, he's got a beard.

I had two dreams last night, one that this guy was chasing me and someone else around my dad's house, first just scarily and then with a giant butcher knife. I was hiding in my dad's closet behind all the clothes and shoes (where my mom used to hide christmas presents when we were growing up) and then I decided it'd be better to get into the bathroom and lock the door, but just as I went there he ran around the corner with the butcher knife and stabbed me. I woke up before he stabbed me, though. Then I dreamed that the Catholic House was a cabin in the woods and we all lived in one big room with cots lined up next to one another. It was morning and a bunch of us were just sitting in our beds under the covers talking. My cot was next to Josh's. On the opposite wall was big windows looking out into the woods and it was probably November since there weren't any leaves on the trees but no snow. There was also a big screen tv on the wall that we could watch. For some reason, we also were rounding up Santa Clauses and keeping them in a waist high pen out in the yard, which is illogical since they could easily get out. It was like a deer pen, really. We also went to a museum with Bill Murray.

It always seems that whenever I have a scary dream, no one is there to comfort me. Stupid boyfriend visiting his parents. I suppose that's why I conjured up my Catholic House to make me feel better. And it did.

Last week sometime I also had a dream I lost my running shoes after a race. I looked all around, outside where I took them off where the race ended and inside of the restaurant serving post-race food. Eventually I found them with a bunch of other shoes and race stuff outside the bathrooms.

Honestly, I swear my subconscious just does what it wants.

2009 in photos

In years past, I've done my pictures by month. Some months have been picture-light and some picture-heavy, so these are just a random sampling. They are arranged (mostly, to my best knowledge) chronologically.


24th birthday

Ran my first 5k.

Ate a big 3lb chocolate bar with friends. And pretended to be Jesus.


Nat got married!


Lived with goofballs.

Got my master's.

Ran my first 10k in my hometown. I showed you, high school gym teachers.

Slow-danced with Jake.

Went to Irish Fest (again).

Baked a lot. Actually, the fall pictures are pretty light and mostly of food.

Went to New Haven for Halloween and dressed up like Lisa.

Had Christmas.

I'd have included pictures of my students, but that's against so many policies I don't even want to test it. They are super fun and make it easy it get up in the morning, however.

2009, good riddance. 2010, bring it on.

my cloud of thoughts

From time to time, I space out and look at the Facebook page of people from high school. Mostly people I know peripherally but those who have gotten married, had babies and/or bought houses.

I'm still really wary and a little judgmental of them, especially of their mass photo postings (but that's another issue with oversharing all together). I don't know; it's just such a foreign idea to me. But then at the same time, there are people much closer to me making the same decisions and yet I'm ok with that. Maybe it's because I know them well enough to approve of their choices. Or to know that even if it's not something I want now, it's something good for them.

I suppose it's no surprise that I fall into another Facebook baby photo-ing the day I make my first student loan payment. I had to dig through the pile of crap in my corner and move my Yale diploma to reach my shoebox of loan statements.

Seriously, my Yale diploma is literally sitting in the corner gathering dust.

In other worlds, I'm organizing a 5k run for the spring. I suppose I wouldn't be able to do that without my YDS experiences, so maybe that diploma isn't just gathering dust. Tomorrow I'm scheduling my interview with a well-known teaching program, a program I wouldn't be interested in and probably not a good candidate for without YDS and its influence.

I guess my point is that I would not have guessed this is where I'd be five years ago.

I still feel like I'm in a point of transition, but a very slooooooow transition, one fraught with stresses of making ends meet and making sure my kids are prepared for kindergarten. It's a carefully constructed transition. It's precise. It's stagnant yet always moving. Slow enough that I'm beginning to feel comfortable in the changing, yet antsy for rapid change. At the same time, it's already November and I don't know if my kids know anything more than they did at the beginning of the year.

Does any of this make sense?

Here's what I'm trying to say: From the briefest glimpse at lives long lost and removed from my own, it looks like people have their "stuff" together, whatever that "stuff" may be. And I still feel adrift at sea, trying to find my bearings while feeling the need to justify an experience that fundamentally changed me yet has produced little outside materialization of that.

I know pictures lie and life is endlessly complicated for everyone. And yet, it just looks so simple and wrapped up neatly with a bow in ways that my messy and in-need-of-explanation life cannot. And those closest to me making those same decisions also have explanation-worthy lives because I've heard and lived through the explanations. So it's ok.

Does any of this make sense?

the happy couple

In the morning when I choose to get dressed, sometimes I consider dressing nicer so I can go straight from one job to the other. The unfortunate side effect is that sometimes I go to work at the restaurant with bits of child drool and marker on my clothes. Otherwise it's worked out ok.

I've been fast-tracked for an in-person interview with Teach For America. More to come closer to December, but it's exciting news.


The happy couple and the happy couple.

more than orange juice

My mind is elsewhere these days, specifically in Connecticut. It's orientation time and I've been pretending to avoid mentions of it on Facebook because I wish I was there. I abstain from looking at pictures and seeing schedules, then horde it all at once like binging. My good friend Rachel has taken up Josh's room (the one with the direct sunlight - damn them both) and my dresser and joins the rest of my dear friends in continuing on with their lives and education without me. Not my choice or theirs, but what has happened regardless.

I don't feel like a "grass is greener" person, because I'm always really grateful for what I have and what I'm doing at that moment, but part of me always longs for the places I am not with no regard to my present location. It's happened before. It'll happen again.

When I first moved out to YDS, I had this mindset that I already had a set of great friends in Minnesota and thus, I didn't need anymore. I never expected to find the people and connections I did, which makes them all the more treasured. I wrote this during my orientation two years ago this week:

Orientation starts tomorrow, and it should be fun. When I say "fun," I mean long and possibly boring. Amy won't be there, so I have no one to make snarky and sarcastic comments to. I want to have friends so I have people to hang out with here, but it's a pain in the ass getting to know people and do the whole "I'm Lindsay, MAR in Feminist Studies, originally from Wisconsin but I went to school in Minnesota, I want to get my PhD and teach about culture, religion and feminism" 50 times in a row. It's just tiring, especially when I know that I have great friends and a great boyfriend at home. I kind of felt the same way about camp. That WAS different, because I had Andrew, Amy, Drew, KG, Anna, ect to hang out with after work - I didn't need to become best friends with everyone there because I already had best friends. Here, it's not like I can head over to chillax with Amy and Drew... it would be lonely hanging out by myself. I'm sure everyone I meet will be nice - the ones I have so far are - but it's a lot of effort.

Well, well, well, how the turn tables. Little did I know that I would live on snarky and sarcastic comments for two years.

My point is that we have expectations and often, reality is entirely different. Not that our expectations aren't met, but that we expect an orange and we end up with a palm tree. Oranges are delicious, but palm trees give shade and coconuts and wood and palm leaves. So much more than just orange juice.

I'm remembering my expectations when I went into YDS, not looking to find lifelong friends but instead people to occupy weekend nights. I'm remembering because it's my first week at my job (formally) and I'm meeting people left and right, people I'm trying not to prejudge and put into a "work" box. Let's leave open the possibility that while it's always been pretty good, my life can benefit from a few more friendly faces, if not good friends.

Life is short, I am young and a field of flowers can always find room for one more.

i lack a fresh breeze

I am, at heart, an entertainer. Not in the top hat and cane sense, but in that I like organizing events and seeing people have a good time. I loved doing it for YDS, even on my most frustrating days.

I'm guessing that's why not having a backyard or porch is killing me. Or a big dinner table. As much as going out for dinner is fun, I like the idea of cooking for friends much better. I wish I had time, ingredients, the imagination and skills do amazing things with food. And the space to accommodate that magic.

Yesterday, I headed to St. Paul for an old friend's birthday, and marveled at her awesome porch. Made me miss the CHouse porch.


This is the view from my back steps right now:


Not quite the same. Next place I live is going to have some mad backyard awesomeness. Here are some more apartment pictures, since I realized I never posted them:




Also threw my bike in there for good measure. I love it. It takes me places. It also has a "I <3 unicorns" sticker on it. I'm thinking it'll take me to Pride this afternoon, while it's not too ridiculously hot out.

embrace change

Everytime I start missing New Haven, YDS, and Marquand, I have to remind myself of the fortune cookie I received my first week back in Minneapolis:

Embrace change; don't battle it.

There's something about embracing change that honors what once was while still anticipating what will be.

A few days later, I got this one:

Is this where you saw yourself five years ago?

Honestly, I didn't see myself anywhere five years ago. I was too busy thinking about the present to think about the future. I still have to remind myself to imagine five years from now. That'll be easier once I have some sort of permanent work, but the options are wide open now while I'm still looking.

Anyway. Time to battle the heat, test my repaired tire and try for a bike ride.

adventures in cooking: curried couscous chicken salad

Since I've got nothing else to talk about (except how many jobs I've applied for), let's talk about food.

Kari and I made some delicious curried couscous with chicken salad the other night. A mix of lemon juice, apples, chickpeas, chicken and couscous made with curry atop spinach. It's a repeat recipe for sure.

I felt classy cooking for two, and then Kari left and I had frozen pizza. Oh, how quickly I declined in my culinary endeavors. On the upside, Amy taught me about the deliciousness of Frank's RedHot sauce on pizza, which I've now taken to eating on everything. It's cayenne sauce/buffalo sauce, but I love it. Mmm.

Today for lunch I went all fancy again. Quesadilla with chili powder, peppers, chicken, and garlic. I heated it on the stove as opposed to in the microwave, which was a little tricky because the tortilla was as big as the pan. I had to flip it onto a plate, then move it from the plate back into the pan. It was a lot more crispy than when it's cooked in the microwave, but a little burnt. I think in the future, I'll have to get smaller tortillas (since it was my biggest pan).

Kari's gone in Bolivia for two months so I need someone every day to make sure I haven't died. It's kind of a giant weird switch going from living with 7 other people to living by myself. A lot more quiet and a lot less fun. But Jake's at Olaf already and stopped by when he flew back last week, so we're going to hang out a lot. He's my extension of New Haven, right here in MPLS. Plus I see Drew and Amy a lot, so they're going to keep me sane.

Dance Party tonight! Woot. It's no lie... once you go your first time, you'll be constructing the perfect dance mix ever since. Love.

runaway train

The dismantling has begun. I've got six boxes of books and an empty, dusty bookshelf. My room is being taken apart, slowly at first and then it will turn hectic as family arrives and the deadline arrives.

As much as I'm excited to be living a block from the Bryant Lake Bowl, must it be at the expense of not living next to Josh? As much as I'm looking forward to seeing my family, their presence carries an unspoken ultimatum.

I've mentioned it before, but I'm cursed by finding good people everywhere I've lived. I find myself missing the place where I'm not, regardless of place or people. Right now I'm itching to get back to Minneapolis, but I know it means I'm leaving New Haven indefinitely. And I know once I go, things won't stay the same here. Jake's leaving, people are moving, the inherent impermanence of the school kicks in and they start all over again in the fall. And after next year, I'll barely know anyone here. The buildings will be the same, but the city will not.

Maybe I just need to stop listening to Ben Folds when I'm doing sad things like packing. It'd help if I didn't hear "And life barrels on like a runaway train/Where the passengers change/They don't change anything/You get off; someone else can get on."

I just gotta keep reminding myself that the train ends in Minneapolis.

a good year

done

Finished. Completed. Done. I am done. Slid that paper under the door this morning and I've been free and clear since... well, with the exception of the graduation meeting I went to where I'm on a committee to plan a bunch of events for the week leading up to graduation. Oops? Naah, it'll be fun.

View outside my window this morning. Nice and rainy (but green).

My stack of books, two layers deep and two layers wide.

blaaah!

I went to the farmer's market this morning and came home with an apple pie. Not only did I buy a pie, but Olivia and Amir both bought pies. So we now have three homemade pies in our house. Potentially dangerous and definitely delicious.

Apart from the pies, my day today has slowed considerably in relation to the past 10 or so. I'm not completely done with work, but yesterday was crazy busy and stressful. I'm a relatively laid-back person (ok, completely laid back), but I just about hit the ceiling yesterday. I can only think of one other time before this when I was as stressed as I was yesterday, and then it manifested itself when I burst into tears because I couldn't pass a truck on a 2 lane highway. My body feels physically exhausted from yesterday - the arches of my feet hurt, my legs are sore, I'm out of energy. It's completely out of character for me to be that stressed, and it's interesting my body responded by forcing me to take a break. I was going to anyway, but I'm definitely moving a little slower today. I also haven't gone for a run in a week or so, and I'm betting that hasn't helped my stress level either. Signs of stress around the house include frequent yells/screams, often in the style of the "kittens inspired by kittens" girl, and jumping up and down on our couches and chairs, sometimes everyone at the same time. Yeah, we're cool.

So what did I do yesterday/this week that stressed me so much? Well, I handed in three papers, for starters. One for GLBTQ Pastoral Care, one for Death in Music, Art and Liturgy and one for Film and Liturgy. I wrote my gaycare paper last week, so that was taken care of by Saturday. That one was on GLBTQ youth in rural/small town areas and building community. I wrote my Death paper at the beginning of the week, finishing Tuesday after going to Spring Fling and seeing the Decemberists play. I wrote that one about Imitation of Life (1959) and its depiction of a black ars moriendi (art of dying). Then I wrote my Film and Liturgy paper on The Secret Life of Bees (2008) and how it establishes the domestic as a sacred sphere, in particular, for black women. That one I wrote Thursday and finished on Friday, trying to get it done before the Community Dinner that night. In addition to finishing three papers, I also had a Community Dinner, Div School Idol and an after-party at our house. Friday morning I had to shop for the dinner, then later in the afternoon, pick up the grills and start the cooking, plus arrange the whole thing. Thankfully, I had many helpers and many hands for the task, so I was a little less crazy. I kept getting impatient with the charcoal, wanting it to light faster and be ready faster, but my friend helping me just reminded me that I had to wait for it to light up, it wasn't going to help if I kept spraying it with lighter fluid. Doesn't mean I didn't spray it around at first, cursing the flames.

So today I'm taking a break. I read a book that I picked up last week, The Unlikely Disciple. The author came to YDS and gave a talk/signed books, and it was really interesting. The author did a semester at Liberty University (Jerry Falwell's college) and wrote about his time there, presenting the students in very nuanced and interesting ways. For someone who studies religion and thinks that Christians are often viewed unfairly in simplistic or negative ways, I liked that he didn't take the easy way out and call everyone crazy or sheep-like. I'm now at 13 books for the year, which is technically behind schedule. I imagine the pace picking up once I'm done with schoolwork. Also, out of the last four books I finished (since mid April), 3 of them were for school and the last one is about a Christian college. I do this to myself, really.

Other than that, I might watch a movie? On my self-appointed days off, I almost don't know what to do with myself. This happened at the beginning of spring break, too. I feel like I should be doing work and I don't know how to not do work. I have one paper left to do, and I'm writing it on Jesus movies. It's 8-10 pages and I'm guessing I'll have it done quickly. I've written about Jesus movies so much that it's almost like second nature. It's on an aspect I haven't written about before, so it's still fair game academically. I remember when I was writing my honors project and one day I sat down and just wrote and wrote and wrote. I think I wrote the 40 page section on The Passion of the Christ in 2 1/2 weeks or something... One night I wrote 10 pages on the history of the Christ film like it was nothing. A little scary, but I like to think it means I'm knowledgable.

Kari moved into our apartment this weekend and Mom's in town helping, so I've been getting pictures. I wish I was there and not here driving myself insane. Soon, soon, soon.

Well, I'm going to go eat some pie and watch a movie. What a crazy idea, huh?

an earthy, sticky smell

It's currently 81 degrees and I'm sitting on my porch, enjoying the slightly cooler air as the sun sets behind the houses across the street. Weather-wise, this has been a really great weekend. Personally, this has been a really great weekend.

I've been going through "lasts" - last class period, last Spring Fling, last Friday Eucharist chapel service, soon to be last papers, last coffee hour, last YDS. It hasn't sunk in that these are my lasts, there's still some surrealistic notions in my mind, almost like I don't believe it. I know it, but I don't understand it. One month from today is graduation and I'm out of here shortly after. The unknown looms, but still theoretically. There could be endless summer evenings on this porch for all I know.

I'm really going to miss this place - the people, the love, the humor, the academic and personal challenges. I almost want to compare my time here to a mountaintop experience where things are awesome but you can't stay there; you have to descend for the green, flourishing valleys. But that's not the case - I feel really sustained here. Life isn't barren but beautiful like on a mountaintop, but really rich and amazing. I'm not quite sure what to make of it yet, but I know this - I leave changed. Parting is bittersweet, indeed.

At the same time, I'm itching to get back to Minneapolis. I miss Amy and Drew and Kari; seeing MOK kids for Nat's wedding was really great. Reminded me why I love them so much and shaded these past few weeks with a longing for their company. Besides the friendships, I'm ready to start working. I'm ready to jump in and get my hands dirty. In chapel Friday, Emilie Townes asked us if we could smell the wetness of clay, waiting to be molded and shaped. Without a doubt, yes.

There's an intrinsic sweetness to a cool breeze. It carries an earthy, sticky smell.

March 23, 2009; 10:20-10:28 EST, my bedroom

Tonight after house dinner after we finished dancing and cleaning up, I asked if people wanted to see the dress I'm wearing in Nat's wedding.

I ran to my room to get it, and Liv, Jake, Amir, Will, Josh, Lisa and Becca funneled in and stood around my bedroom in a semi circle. I showed people, and we talked about my tights/leggings issues.

I eagerly showed off the rest of my break purchases (nice blue shirt and pinstripe pants).

At one point we all jumped up or danced a little.

I dug in my plastic drawer thing holding my personal stuff and one by one, pulled out beads. I threw them at Josh first (since he pretended to flash me), then randomly put them over people's heads around the semi-circle. Everyone got a beaded necklace, but we stopped at the rosary.

Then people left.

I love my roommates and friends.

twenty-four!

Goooood birthday weekend.

Some highlights:
-ran 3 miles nonstop Thursday (most ever)
-birthday cupcakes from Tessa
-good birthday celebration after the hockey game (which was sold out so I didn't get to go... boo)
-went to the Dartmouth game on Saturday where we won 3-1 and both figuratively and literally beat the crap out of them

Visual highlights:
My birthday cake - self baked and decorated. I think it looks awesome, but I have to say someone else drew on the tongue and nose. I just had a plain smiley face.

Tessa!

Tim and I!

Amir attack!

Erik and I.

Rachel, looking adorable.

Ryan, classy as always.


Marshall's birthday present to me. If you can read the writing, it says, "Happy Birthday, Ass."

In the wintertime when the weather is hot

The view out my window this morning.

We don't have a shovel so Josh and Amir had to sweep the driveway to clear it of snow, and then Josh took the broom to his car.


Amir received the lovely gift of slippers from a friend of ours so now we don't have to see his freakishly long toes in socks and flip flops. It's really a gift for the whole house. Plus they're really warm and I've worn them around a bit since he's left. Oops?